exisitence only justifies man’s basic necessity of survival.what if man transcends the next level of living,what happens to the notion of surival if he’s willing to sacrifice his own life for the new reason found in living?
just in the review class today,our facilitator mentioned that you are what you think you are.it was a rather thought inspiring story that most enjoyed,yet as i sat there,dumbly staring outside the window while those words seeped into my consciousness,i had some realization.i always prided myself to bring forth darkness and destruction with whatever i do and i guess that’s why i got too good with it.i dont have any pride left in me because i choose to,for having nothing to live for also has its benefits.i have no regrets,no remorse,no responsibilities.i have reached my destination so its time for a new adventure,a new goal.time to do what i enjoy doing the most…traveling.and so,a new journey begins.
i have become nothing but a mask of myself.principles trampled,values destroyed,morality compromised.being a shadow of what i once was provided me with a different but,nonetheless,difficult kind of struggle.and i have no other choice but to suffer the consequences of my actions.i have failed myself, what bothers me is the fact that i dont give a damn anymore.probably because i have no pride left in me anymore.the dignity that i once carried had already been shot to shit.and i know that i will never be able regain what i have lost.i might call this despair but in the end,i choose to refer to it as acceptance.that no matter what i do,i will always remain broken,shamed and dammned.
oh well…
…
somewhere,somehow,a princess lies asleep waiting for her handsome knight in shining armour to come by her bedside and give her a kiss to wake her from her deep slumber.story states that they will ride into the sunset and live happily ever after…what a load of bullshit.i have a sleeping princess waiting for me,but i am no handsome knight in shining armour.rather, i am an ugly fallen angel,consumed by darkness,haunted by the sins of my past,tormented by the guilt of the lives i destroyed.i come to my princess not as someone who will offer her a world of happiness,but someone who would dedicate his life in making her happy,for i have nothing else to offer her.i will work for whatever can make her happy.i will exist only to serve her,and only her.for as i have nothing for the moment,i will work hard to create a world entirely for her.a place where we can live together,a world where she will accept me for what i am.this and more i owe to her because she made a choice before she fell asleep.she chose to wait for her prince,and only her prince.this dedication alone proves she deserves everything i can give her…this is what i am.a desperate shadow,longing for the light that only one soul can provide.and as i try to reach that image of my princess clothed with the light,i leave my dark past behind and look forward to a bright future with her…
though i have waged a never-ending war against love,end game came and when the smoke cleared,i lost…my ruthless crusade attracted loyal followers who aided me in my quest,turned friends into fierce enemies and left lives ruined along my path of destruction…to those who believed in my ideologies and found this change as a betrayal to the faith i personally created and strengthened,i admit my weakness and apologize for my defeat.but know that your own personal battles still continue for even if your faith gets destroyed,there’s something that no man or idea can destroy,the passion you have in your own life,be it the path of light or that of darkness,follow this passion and live your life to the fullest…to those whom once trusted me as their friend,i cannot be forgiven for what i have caused.thus,i can only extend you my gratitude that,once,i was considered and cared for as a friend…to those whose life i ruined during my bloody conquest,a lifetime of apology would not undo what had transpired,but know that you should bask in the knowledge that what happened made you stronger coz that’s all that matters in this world,experiences that teaches you something, be it a positive or a traumatizing experience…as for the maiden who defeated me,i humbly and willingly vowed to serve her with my life,as an expression of appreciation for showing me the other side of darkness.the war might be over yet old and new enemies lurk everywhere,but now,i have someone who i must protect and a dream i must fulfill and although i fight on the other side,i wont let anyone get in my way…
I often marvel at the fact that even the most simplest of things could cloud my judgment and still manages to confuse me. I guess this is the price to pay for trusting my head and rationalizing all the events that I encounter. Using the mind can sometimes blur even reality in itself, to the point where the mind goes blank and you stare at empty space for sometime, slightly thinking about stuffs, analyzing every detail of it. This blanking out hobby is what I fondly call, spacing out. Most call it daydreaming and see it as a bad habit, but one should realize the complexity of trying to digest the metaphysical aspect of a certain situation. For instance, one’s self should be considered as an object; It can be conceptualized, manipulated, controlled and determined and yet doesn’t lose its humanity for he is still the center of everything, the initiator of events. And with this, breaking down situations into smaller, practical purposes could serve as a stepping stone to evaluate the bigger picture and eventually come up with more justifiable solutions to problems. This process takes time but the end result could save lives and prevent the ruin of lives. Most people say that it’s better to listen to the heart and not the mind. Well, the heart is a pathetic, drooling, shit for brains drug junkie. Better listen to the mind for it knows how to save lives. Emotional crap messes daily living and fast times today couldn’t afford messed up lives…
a deviation from the normal lifestyle that defined my existence branded me as a traitor towards my values,a betrayer that abondoned everything that gave me power…why?they asked.why give up the only thing that once gave meaning to my life?and embraced the very essence that i once fought hard to destroy?hypocrisy,could be a funny thing.once it was of great value then the next thing you know,its as worthless as crap,buried within piles of crap,under a vast sewage of craps…just like the values in life… i guess it just falls down to one thing:priorities.in life,as we move on along time..priorities shifts from one thing to another…changing sides,forging goals,destroying perceptions only to be molded into another perception.everyone has the right to judge me as they see fit,but no one can change the new road in life that i now take…it’s almost 3am and am i still making sense?
a break from the normal format for which i write shits and craps,i decided to drop the theatrics and palaver and talk plainly and simply.i’m waiting for someone and i’m bored out of my wits.getting personal,am i?fuck it.nothing interests me anymore.and the one i’m waiting for,the salvation from this boring night,the light that would lift me from this boredom still hasn’t arrived.dammit,hime-chan,where are you?she might’ve been busy with stuffs she had to do.that’s alright.but i’m still as bored as hell.it’s always been difficult to break routine.was supposed to attend a graduation tonight.wat d fuck will i get out of it anyway?food?booze?girls?i’d rather spend it in my room resting to prepare for the summer classes.in fact,i should’t be taking classes,i should be fuckin workin already.but where’s the fun in that?follow my group in manila,trying to fend for themselves,feeling fulfilled with meager jobs barely enough to support their daily means of living,their lifestyles,their dreams.but then again,who am i to judge the lives of those around me when i myself am living a fucked up life,in a fucked up stagnant state,not knowing how can i get out of this hellhole…matchbox 20’s 3am’s playin on the mp3.still to early to think i must be lonely.it’s a fucked up notion to fuckin think that i still have a fuckin grip in my fuckin life.like what most assholes would be bitchin about when things would turn to crap…"fuck the fuckin fuckers".and yet i cannot let go of the fuckin fact that things are supposed to be fuckin fine one way or another.there’s this deep,nagging voice in my fucked up head that keeps on telling me…"don’t lose it,don’t lose it…"fuckin moron.it is only by living at the edges of insanity that we know who we fuckin are…fuck it…it’s much better writing this fuckin way than being a stiffed assed fucking asshole as with my other entries…
Why abandon everything when triumph was within grasp? Why give up everything for a pathetic, undependable emotion that eventually condemns everyone to eternal hell?
i made a choice.i chose to change,to feel,to care.and i stand by that choice…
Choosing to feel makes one vulnerable to attack, it lowers one’s defenses? Why give up everything that was built through blood, sweat and tears? Sacrifices had been made to be able to reach this point, a point in time where victory is already at hand, why abandon everything?
because i got tired.i’ve lived in darkness for too long,it’s time to embrace light.and if it means leaving everything behind,i gladly lay down the burden i’m carrying and give up my misson.
Betrayer! Traitor! Self-centered egotistical brat! You not only betrayed the cause, you also betrayed yourself!
betrayer?in truth,i was the one who was betrayed,from the moment fought the light,darkness never came to my aid,i was left into the hand of my enemy to willingly and embarrassingly accept defeat.but no matter,i shall work on my atonement for the sins that i have done in the past as i turn on a new leaf…
Fool, what is done can never be undone. You’re sins will continue to haunt you as long as you live. You cannot deny your fate, you cannot deny your destiny. Give up this futile resistance and accomplish what you were set out to do.
man has the ability to change his destiny,to find new meaning in life and to fight for what is important to him.i shall move forward and do all that i can to protect what i value the most.
The sins of your past WILL continue to haunt you, and when that time comes, that time where you have no choice but to give up that which is so precious to you, would you still have the power to deny yourself of your fate?
…
Only a few weeks left before one of the most celebrated time of the year comes, one can already feel it in the air; the excitement, the anticipation, overcoming most other concerns. This senseless clamor could only be for the Valentine’s Day. What people fail to realize is how overrated this day had been spent all throughout these years. One should not consider the history of this special day but the attachments that comes along with it. One of the most prevalent emotions that govern a human being is love, yet it’s still one of the most misunderstood. Scheler (1973) describes the essential link of love to value by emphasizing that love relates to what has value rather than to value itself. There are so many kinds of love that exists: there’s the basic love for the self, the love for an ideal, the love for the country, the absolute love for God. And it is not surprising that romantic love is easily confused with most of these other forms. Motivation for love is ordinarily strongest when the need is only partially satisfied. People who have never received love, who have never been kissed or cuddled, can go for long periods without expression of love. They take absence of love for granted and eventually devaluate this need (Maslow, 1970). It is through this idea that people misinterpret the essence of love, thus one must reflect upon priorities, both in the present and from the past.
It is also said that romantic love begins from the experience of loneliness. That a person, when he becomes aware that he is unique tends to reach out to others; but this uniqueness haunts him and he becomes isolated. Loneliness is possible even if one is immersed in a crowd. In an attempt to conform to a group and hide one’s individuality, the loneliness eventually expresses itself as an experience of boredom, leading to misbehaviors that threaten the person (Dy, 1986). It is through this boredom that justifies the search for a person of the opposite sex as an object of a romantic love. Yet, the journey of the lonely man doesn’t end in this realization. What begins as an attraction could be misinterpreted for love, which only makes things worse. It is in this situation that a person projects all the frustrations, resentments, regrets into the object of the romantic love and creates an exclusive reality that only he can control. This maladaptive behavior is the result of lack of emotional maturity regarding his role in the society and obligations to the self.
When man finds “happiness” in the embrace of romantic love, his reasoning becomes clouded by false pretenses. He begins to lose sight of his goal in life, he begins to justify obscure actions as a rightful move to either strengthen or save the love. It is in these sacrifices that man begins to devaluate himself for something that he should have satisfied long ago. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs states that lower needs must be satisfied before higher level needs. One should take into consideration that the need for love and belongingness would just be the third phase of the hierarchy, and there’s still two other higher phases. A brief summary of the five phases would further help with the understanding of the matter. First phase would be the Physiological needs, considered as the most basic needs of any person. This includes food, water, oxygen, maintenance of the body temperature, and so on. The second phase is the Safety needs. It is the desire for physical security, stability, dependency, protection and freedom from such threatening forces as illness, fear, anxiety, danger and chaos. It also includes the need for law, order and structure. The third phase would be the Love and Belongingness need, which is to say the least, the need for love. The fourth phase would be the Esteem needs, which includes self-respect, confidence, competence and the knowledge that others hold them in high-esteem. Finally, there’s the Self-actualization needs, which includes self-fulfillment, the realization of one’s potential and the desire to be creative. (Feist, 2003)
It is through this insight that one must consider that romantic love is not everything and the finality of the journey of man. What one must achieve is to become fully human, satisfying needs that others merely glimpse or never view at all. The common mistake that people nowadays commit is the thought that the third phase of the hierarchy is sufficient to define their existence. Since they are so fond of the third phase, they entrenched themselves into that area. The result, as seen in everyday life, is just catastrophic, people lack the necessary emotional tools to cope with higher level of problems that involve their own selves and the society around them. Thus relationships easily breaks up, cases of teenage pregnancy becomes commonplace, rape cases seemed endless, trauma shatters the early and fragile mental foundations.
One must thus undertake the responsibility of improving himself and strive to become more of a human being. Love and relationship only hinders and disrupts this process of finding one’s self; for as a person gets fixated with love, he disregards the world around him and focuses only on fulfilling the needs of the relationship. Most of the times, it is not even the relationship that he tries to fulfill but his very own desire, pleasure and whatever he can get out of from that relationship. In the end, he is just being stuck in the most basic need which is the physiological phase. Discarding away every fabric of his humanity, he begins to act according to instinct, becoming deviant to his surroundings and eventually becoming an emotional pariah. If only people would take the time to climb the higher phases of needs, then the environment might not turn into a cesspool of immorality, decadence and corruption.
Bibliography:
Barber, M. (1993) Guardian of Dialogue, Max Scheler’s Phenomenology, Sociology of Knowledge and Philosophy of Love. Associated Press
Dy, M. (1986) Philosophy of Man: Selected
Readings Makati City : Goodwill Bookstore.
Feist, J. & Feist G. (2003) Theories of Personality (5th ed.).
New York : McGraw-Hill.
Maslow, A.H. (1970) Motivation and personality (2nd ed.).
New York : Harper & Row.
